Dicey's Turf

3 days until my birthday. Yay. I decided I'm not gonna have everyone come to the beach anymore. I think what I'll do is just go stuff my face with deep fried snickers at the ChipShop and then watch the instant star finale. Now that's the day of my dreams. Talking about dreams... mine certainly have brought some memories that were definitely unnecessary. I don't know. Why's the past suddenly coming around to bite me in the ass ? Well I won't sit around thinking too much about it, so I poured out my heart and soul into some good music. I don't know if it mentioned everything, but maybe if I'll sing it enough times into the microphone, it might erase some of the issues that may be bothering me, still. And my current relationship is suffering because of my constant "feelings" or whatever, that just need to be gotten rid of. I'm seriously screwing everything up. It's like there's no way for me to let anything good to happen to me. How'd I grow up this way ? I can't sit and enjoy anything.


Hannah Senesh: "One needs something to believe in, something for which one can have whole-hearted enthusiasm. One needs to feel that one's life has meaning, that one is needed in this world."

My 10 goals for this summer

#10. Shape up. Need to look good on the beach and I want to fit into those cute jeans on my birthday. For some reason, my ass doesn't fit... and they are just so super adorable. I'm so short so at least I should aim for 98 lbs. Hopefully my swimsuit will still fit. Otherwise, I'll get another one.

#9. Have fun. I should actually go places this summer, and just bum out in Times Square, because I might not be around here for much longer. Hopefully.

#8. See the fireworks every friday and go on the rides at night. Hang out at the boardwalk with my friends and go with them to the beach.

#7. Get super cute new clothes. Since I'm watching my sister this summer, I'm gonna make some money, and then I'll blow it all off on clothes and cute accessories and fun of course. I want to be able to go shopping every weekend and throw out all my old clothes. Blah blah they are ugly.

#6. Get a tattoo. I want one ^^.. I just can't wait. I might get a one-year ink, but either way, I want one sooo bad. It's just so important to me to go to the beach having a cooool tattoo hanging on my back shoulder. I want that one with the microphone in flames that has a ribbon around it which says rock n roll and then two music notes hanging off of it that are made from tiny skulls. It's super amazing.

#5. Dye my hair. I want blonde and pink highlights. I had a dream that I got that made last night. I really want it, super bad !! I want some big big changes this summer, and I never had my hair changed before, so maybe I should now.

#4. Have the best birthday party ever. And have so much fun and invite everybody and get a good tan while at it. Chill out, eat at the beach, then go on the rides in the evening and karaoke at the boardwalk and of course watch the fireworks at night.

#3. Go to some concerts. Rock out this summer with some people. I haven't been to concerts in forever, and it's about time. So get some tickets and rock rock rock.

#2. Go to hard rock cafe, and other cool restaurants in the city. I want to have fun at all of them hahah. I miss just hanging out at cafe's and restaurants. They're the best.

#1. Go to CANADA. Finally, my dream come true would be to just get out of here already. I want to see Katy and I want to have fun there. I'm tired of this place and these people, and I belong there. So by some miracle, I just want to leave already. Maybe if I dream of it hard enough, then maybe I'll get out of here already.

Such warm weather continually.. it just never gets colder. My birthday is coming up though, 14 days or so. I decided to invite everyone to the beach during the day, hang out there and eat and talk, then go to the amusement park there and of course, wait for the fireworks that come out that night. It would be the perfect day. Tomorrow I'm going to take pictures of everything in school, this is the 2nd to last day of school, I know Monday nobody will show up. Haven't been going to gym because i keep getting injured there.. oh well. Two days missed is no big deal. I ordered a cute swimsuit, and I hope it will fit me, but I want to lose weight so I can look decent on the beach for my birthday, but I just don't know how the swimsuit is going to fit then. How do I go about losing weight this time, when I never could ever before. Other than that, I keep having to put myself through this horrible weather for my friends and boyfriend and whatever... kinda wish I didn't have a boyfriend anymore, it gets so exhausting... and so much responsibility, its just simply too much to handle. If I go to Canada this summer, I won't make the same mistakes again. I'll lead a perfectly single life, have fun, and never do anything that I don't want to for anybody. Why did I ever get myself into this relationship stuff anyway ? When you're with someone for this long, its so damn hard to let go, like impossible to even look them in the eye and give them reasons for a breakup and hurt their feelings when you already know them so well.

Top 10 things that made me who I am today

#10. Nightly tea parties with Katy We discussed our crushes every night over a cup of tea and a sandwich. We'd laugh and listen carefully to each other's stories. This was around 3rd and 4th grade. I was still kind of mostly inside my shell, but she was the only person in the whole world that I ever spoke about him to.

#9. First unreturned love. When I fell hard for him, and he couldn't be with me mainly because of our age difference, it made me turn to things that I shouldn't have. As much trouble as followed, it also kept me from doing a lot of other stupid things. His unreturned love saved me from being with guys that would send me in the wrong direction. It was a good thing after all.

#8. Pity dating. Going out with guys only because my friends wanted to make them happy, was wrong. The day I stayed true to my own desires, was one day I broke out of a lot of that shell that wasn't really protecting me, but rather holding in my voice.

#7. Rock n Roll. The music that soothes my soul. There is nothing that understands your emotions better than music. It carries you to places inside your mind that you would never get to otherwise. Certainly gives you good inspiration and motivation.

#6. A whole pack of bad friends. Never really had anyone to truly rely on. And then I stopped carrying. It's all fine now. Being around random acquaintances and having a little fun is ok, I realized I never really needed to depend on people and have someone always there with me. It just don't make a difference to me. Everyone I did rely on, turned out to be a bag of scum. Useless, pitiful people.

#5. The Internet. Considering I've never spent less than half a day on the computer every single day of my life.. proves that the computer was in fact a major factor in the making of me. Half my life is on the internet, if not more. This was perhaps, the best waste of time invented.

#4. Trouble. Oh man. This is a big one. No matter how much I run from it, its always following me. Get into fights, do stupid things, make a scene, cause a riot.. all results of my short temper and stubbornness. I should really have a bit more balance but the truth is, I just don't care.

#3. Home-sickness & a Need of home. After so much time being upset over not being able to go back... I gave up you know, I just thought that's the way things are. This later helped me realize that there wasn't anything good there anyway and who those people really were. A need for somewhere to belong kept me going in all different directions. My dreams revolve around the need to find somewhere to feel at home.

#2. Katy. Everything stupid we ever did, everything went somewhere and taught something. Certainly the funny moments were a good laugh, but even when we couldn't stand much of each other, we'd still stand up for one another, because that's just what sisters are for. I really was never that alone. So that made me wiser.

#1. My current boyfriend. He changed me no matter how much I deny it in front of him. He makes me a better person, and breaks my ruthlessness sometimes. Even when I think I can't care less about anything and anybody, to see him hurt makes me wanna die. There is nobody sweeter and nobody who ever made me realize more things in this world. Love sure has a way of creating character.

As soon as you step out, the air just suffocates you. There is nothing to breathe in, and now I'm left with a tough chest pain. This weather is driving me nuts. I can't even stay out, it's just incredibly hot and gross. The sun is so strong, within 2 seconds, you can fry eggs on your head. Its around 100 degrees, but because it's so damn dry, it feels like 150 ! School is just unbearably boring and hot and nerve wrecking. I can't wait for this week to be over so I can just bum out this summer ! Can't even believe it's finally here. And I'm gonna be 17... in about 17 days....haha. We'll see how that turns out ! Hopefully it won't be too hot out, so I can at least go out and have fun. I should be studying or doing something, but the heat is just so tormenting, I just feel like lying down and breathing. Its pretty harsh weather, and I just wish it was back in the 80s or 70s, I don't care about the beach, I just want to relax !

Carl Jung: "There are as many nights as days, and the one is just as long as the other in the year's course. Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word 'happy' would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness."

Lord Byron: "The great art of life is sensation, to feel that we exist, even in pain."